Tuesday, January 1, 2013
So it is December 31st and I am in my Bikram yoga class and the teacher suggests writing a letter to ourselves for our intentions for 2013. First off, yes I know, I am on that hot yoga bandwagon, I admit it. But what can I say? Sweating profusely in a room filled with people with really hot bodies is strangely addictive. Yeah sure, it's great for my core muscles, and somewhere in there is a quest for inner peace, but often it is just worth it for the six foot five blond shirtless adonis downward dogging it right in front of me. Ah the sweet smell of objectification. Let us just say, the teacher's continuous reminder to "stay with your breath" whilst probably not aimed directly at me, was certainly applicable to my wandering eye and brain.
I have never been one for New Year's resolutions. People ask me what mine are and I generally shrug and say I hadn't really thought about it. It's true, I probably have a shitload in need of resoluting , but empty promises made to myself after a night of disappointing early evening binge drinking in uncomfortable shoes never really appealed to me.
I prefer the idea of an intention over a resolution. Baby steps . So much less binding. Though word on the street is that the road to hell is paved with them. Good thing I thing I think the concept that there is an eternal fiery pit of doom for the damned is a crock of shit. I do have some intentions for the next little while, though. They mostly centre around appreciating my kid, my friends and my romantic entanglements. I often find myself slipping back into patterns of pissed off-ness about what I can't have rather than recognition of what I do have... and I do have so very much.
My main intention is to try and live right now. Must be the yoga again. That whole mindfulness thang. I catch myself wandering in my brain to the future. Calculating endless outcomes and probabilities. Imagining horrific results. I have a tendency to play out all trajectories so that I can preemptively solve all worst case scenarios. I wonder why it is I don't play out all the best case scenarios? Even when I pretend to win the lotto, I have myself figuring out how to discuss the issue with my financial advisor and how to divvy up the loot so that friends and family will all get what they need without harmful tax implications. Even my most depraved of sexual fantasies have an element of problem solving. How exactly is that rope and pulley system designed? Wouldn't want to lose all circulation to my hands. How much do I go for at the auction and will there be a sensible diet and exercise regime on Slave Island? I mean if I am going to fetch such a high price, shouldn't my master get what they paid for?Endless planning.
So my intention for the year is to simply stop planning. I know that sounds totally counter productive. I am instantly imagining all the things that could happen if I didn't plan for all the things that could happen. This year I am taking a vacation from my calculating brain. I trust it will function adequately under pressure, in a crisis or with the duress of procrastinated deadlines. Let's just put that future stuff on hold for the instant and intend to be alive and noticing what is here and now. As I sit here on my couch with my dog, listening to my kid play cheerfully in her room, I am noticing all the stuff that I never imagined surrounding me. It's best case scenario and I never planned for it.
So my New Year's wishes to all of you: May your present be better than you imagined futures. May you be surprised by what is in front of you and may your plans be outdone by the realities of your present. Namaste.